The Walk back from Horeb... or wherever.

     "Bring your worthless offerings no longer, incense is an abomination to Me.  New moon and sabbath, the calling of assemblies- I cannot endure iniquity and the solemn assembly.  I hate your new moon festivals and your appointed feasts, they have become a burden to Me;  I am weary of bearing them.  So when you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you;  Yes, even though you multiply your prayers, I will not listen.  Your hands are covered with blood.  
     Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from My sight.  Cease to do evil.  Learn to do right!  Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.  Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD."
(followed by repentance, forgiveness, obedience) ("..for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.")
                                                                                               (Isaiah 1:13-18ish)
     So often we stand in church and sing songs of confession, of redemption; songs of strong emotions which may not really be our own.  We celebrate holidays, put on big productions and do a whole lot of work in the name of God.
                           BUT..... WHAT IF....

   What if God doesn't care a hoot?  It sounds like He doesn't.  We sort of have a vague, misplaced feeling when we stop to actually think.  Deep down, we know we are missing the point.. yet we keep doing what we've always done.  We burn out, grow cynical and wonder where God is in all of our religious activity.  Why can't we feel His Presence even though we are doing all the "right" things?

      But relationships can't be bought- especially with our wild and untamed God.  He is not to be controlled by our lists of "relationship builders" or service pledges.

                           "'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver; 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? 

                                 Who said anything about safe?  Course he isn't safe.

                               But he's good.   He's the King, I tell you.'"

                                                  (The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis)

     He is sought, sought out in a huge, epic of all human lifetimes... and in the end, He finds us and we acknowledge our absolute failure.  We loose, He wins, and we are the gainer. 

               1 Chronicles 28:9    2 Chronicles 7:14    Isaiah 55:6     Matthew 6:33
              
     Isaiah 55 reminds us to "seek the LORD while He may be found;"  it also reminds us that His ways are not our ways.   Maybe it's time to start seeking Him His way..  It was not in the wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire but in the gentle whisper- that God asked, "What are you doing here?"   (1 Kings 19)

    Well.  What are we doing here?  Sitting in church, singing praise songs to convince ourselves that the worship music reflects our own heart, running events, running our families everywhere, running, running... being zealous for God as Elijah was.... running from that gentle whisper.

"whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying,
                     "This is the way; walk in it."
                                                                     (Isaiah 30:21)

   Do you not yearn to hear this?!  to no longer be plagued by self doubt?! to know have the confidence that you hear your Master and are doing His will.. doing the right thing... pleasing Him?  and yet, even in the same passage in Isaiah 1, we are given some of God's will- some of His values.  "wash..remove the evil...cease to do evil...do right.. seek justice... encourage..defend..plead"  Maybe these "activities" are more His idea of Christianity... but it's still all about relationship and no activity will buy it or earn it.  Nor can we learn it.  We must listen and apply.

     So turn everything off so you can hear.  Run for your spiritual life to seek our God epically.  Elijah ran (more for his physical life!) and ended up at the broom tree, then ran for 40 days and nights to Horeb.. and on that Mountain of God,  he heard God- not as he suspected he would, but as God chose to reveal Himself.

                 Was the run worth it?
                  Yes.
                 Now, for the walk back.

Like Elijah, I've run from enemies "without and within" and now I'm walking back from the Mountain.  I don't know where I am going.. but I will sure be listening for the Voice behind me.  I want to know the Way and the path.  and this time... it won't be something I think me and God came up with together.. some little cosmic compromise... it'll be all Him.

What's Next?

       For those of you who know me... I sort of get side tracked into things, research and think about them non- stop for a few weeks and then... I get back to my normal life. Well- here I am again researching graduate programs once again stimulated by.. another job search.  Last year during my big job search time, I just couldn't fathom going back to school this close to the adoption.  Now, I can fathom it, 2 of 3 boys in school full time next year and Millennium half day.  What I can't fathom the most-- is laying out that kind of money when I have always had very low income jobs.  Who's to say it would be worth it fiscally even though I had always planned to have some form of graduate degree?  One doesn't spend that kind of money just to be able to look one's self in the face... does one? (and why do I want a master's degree just for self-esteem?.. get over it already, Kim!)
      (If you are bored already- stop reading cause it's only gonna get worse!!)
       So after debating- and it getting kinda late to go back to the greenhouses, I've stumbled on a couple other jobs with the local "eat local" food movement, a csa (garden you buy shares of), and the biological station. OF COURSE, I'd imagined my summer being spent riding bikes with the boys to area playgrounds and berry picking to my heart's content like last summer...  maybe working evenings or something part time.   OF COUSE, more education would put me into even bigger "jobs" like coordinating volunteer efforts on the local land conservancy sites, for instance.  But these jobs require responsibility.
     And I have always run from more responsibility (I want a job I can leave when I'm off the clock unlike Mom's teaching roles;)  and none of these things are what I thought God wanted for my life- none of them deal with poverty, development, etc.  But their all things I love.  Growing food, local produce, resource management, field work at Kellogg Biological Station, hello?! (there goes my summer and childcare for 3 kids)
    and since Chalrie's not headed to a third world country anytime soon.... Should I really even look at WMU's Master of Development (specifically geared toward leaders in developing countries and totally something I'm passionate about) or should I go for and MBA in Environment and Sustainability so I can be a "green" consultant for companies... and possibly have more options in employment? OR should I pursue my "fall back" plan and get a nursing degree of some sort that will bring in reasonable income for sending kids to college and giving to all those NGO's I love and envy?
     Either way- I'm dumping 20K or 30k (less for an LPN at Valley) that could go in an educational IRA and be more than I could make anyway?!?  Not to mention we're broke and won't do debt.
     So I'll keep listening for God's voice- which usually puts me doing the same thing I'm doing now.  barely making life work, not living my dreams, and being a resentful at my ineptitude for decision making or actually hearing God's voice.  Most of the time I feel like He just says, "do what you think is best- I gave you a brain..." (minus the sarcasm.. or maybe not)
(If you are still reading, I'm impressed with the boredom and whining you can endure)
    Anyway- It's such a waiting game... waiting to hear from God.. waiting till the boys are in school... waiting till you have the funding... waiting.  Life is so short.  It's kinda like the adoption phrase..."hurry up and wait".  But then does anything ever get done?  I'm so tired of having nothing to show... but then if I even read past blogs.... Who matters more than the What.  Now why is that still not sticking?  Who I am matters more than what.
    I am a crazy mom who might be more sane with a part time job. (absence makes the heart grow fonder?)  I am going to need a more lucrative job as these boys get  bigger (is it possible that they can eat more than they do now?) and as college approaches.  I might actually want to use my biology background and do something I enjoy (not that I haven't enjoyed my other jobs.. I have)
   So-push on for the csa job, or the garden educator job, or even the bio station job? and go for the Red Robin job if the others don't pan out... and ride bikes to playgrounds all summer if none of them pan out... THERE, THAT WAS EASY.
     Save for a fun degree.  Opt for a smart degree when the fun one doesn't pan out.?  get the MBA and see if they can teach me how to make decisions...?

Rich (not Mullins this time) Discontentment

     I was sitting around with some other adults recently (weird for me, I know) and we had just watched Rob Bell's production, "Rich."  Now for those of you who know me.. or the me that was and likely should still be,  I can get pretty "feisty" on this topic.  The film talked about only 8% of the world's population owning cars... all sorts of lovely little facts about poverty and wealth like that- ones the average American has no clue about.   The discussion went from ..wow.. we are really blessed to.. how do you live knowing your really blessed, but having bills you can't pay, stress from businesses and employees, adjusting to living on one income..the kids needing money all the time, etc. 
     As I view America from our lousy Michigan economy- yes, its seems bad. People can't make their house payments, afford insurance, pay for food.  Their unemployment is up soon and their heating bills alone are bigger than their projected income.  But alas, not all have dropped their satellite tv nor tried to sell their SUV's they can't afford- not that anyone wants to buy all their objects of past "unwisdom" that they can't afford anymore.  and so we're back to STUCK.  No one want's to be upside down on a 30K vehicle, give up the family business, or loose their dream house (or any house...).
        So how do we, especially at this time of the year, realize our wealth while being incredibly stressed by our debt for it?!  How difficult to feel in such a bind but know we should be extremely thankful for all the Lord has given us as a nation, in our families...  I know I'm feeling pretty blessed to have a husband who hates debt so we're not so stressed on one income as we otherwise would be.  I can't fathom a $400 car payment.  It blows my mind.  2 car payments of that size would pay off my house with some serious expediency.
   This morning in church, the verse of the cheerful giver came up.  How can a people so stressed with debt and back payments give cheerfully,  hilariously as the lexicon mentions?  I KNOW- well not with debt- but with relative "poverty".  I remember what it was like as a new couple starting out making $7.50 or so an hour having almost no bills other than rent (we didn't even have a phone) and always ending up spending more than we made, but still having $30 or so left in the bank at the end of the month.  We're college grads who can do the math.  It never made sense... but God honored our giving and our frugality. (ok- Charlie's frugality!) (Or maybe He just loved us irrationally!)
      At some point, we started really having fun with giving.  We had a certain percentage set aside for miscellaneous charities of our choice each month.  And it is a game.  Take the tithe out first and let God work out the math for how you'll eat, drink and be clothed.  It's fun and amazing to watch Him work.  We're no lilies of the valley- but we clean up ok.  God has always provided- though it's been a long time since there's been that unaccounted for $30 leftover.  (Maybe it's because the "hilarious"/cheerful giving budget has been reduced... or God expects us to be wise stewards...)
     Of course we're still so rich- and yet I'm always looking out for the next replacement vehicle or some home project that doesn't really need done, and how can I weezle Charlie into agreeing to spend tax return money on it?... or whatever. I still don't define "want" verses "need" well. I'm still never satisfied.  I still want things a little better, a little nicer, a little more reliable- well isn't God reliable!!  and wouldn't it be wonderful to just be content with what I have?  Really, really content... I know we will be truely content and peaceful in heaven.. but isn't there an earthly version... Imperfect Contentment 1.0 or something?
    Maybe contentment lies in practicing thankfulness and praise often.  the less content we are- the more often we should thank God for His gifts- His good and perfect gifts from a Father who knows so much more than we do what gifts are good.
    Maybe discontent is divine as Sixpence alludes to in their album title.  Maybe our lack of contentment keeps us searching for God..keeps us heaven- hungry.
     In the meantime, we'll keep listening to Dave Ramsey's holiday philosophy of "Live like no one else, so you can give like no one else."  It rubs me less wrong than just the concept of building wealth and security that could easily replace my security in God and me building up wealth in heaven that no recession or depression can touch.  I  like being able to hilariously give.
                    But I must live like no one else before it will be possible.

Who, what or whose?

You've all heard the Switchfoot song...
            "This is your life..are you who you want to be?
             This is your life...is it everything you dreamed that it would be
                  when the world was younger.. and you had everything to loose."
    Well... ok so I'm not saving the starving in Africa.. I'm not even feeding people in downtown Kalamazoo.  And I've been mad about it.. like it's totally God's fault for not letting me go.  Ok.  So there is a little more to the story.  But of course I'm not WHO I want to be.  At least I'm not WHAT I want to be.  The world really was younger.. back in college and before.   back before I couldn't get grades that would even let me qualify for Grad school.  back before I needed to start submitting to a husband who was.. and I think still is confident that we are now where God wants us.
   I've never been content with myself on any of this obviously.    I spent summer of 09 hanging out in the stories of Elijah and his little "run away from God" stunt in fear of Jezebel even after all he saw on Mt. Carmel.  And he comes walking all the way back.. well I'm on my way back.  not sure why.  There was no small voice exactly- but sort of and here I am. (Next I hung out in Job.  wow I learned a ton)  But I digress.
     I am absolutely sure that I am not any of the "what's" I wanted to be.  But am I who I wanted .. and want to be?  I don't need a Switchfoot song to remind me that I'm not.  I'm just not.
     Just this week in Sunday School, I heard myself teaching that the "who" we are is more important than the "what".  We were/are studying our identity in Christ and how our spiritual gifts work together in the body.  Amazing how God reminds me of things while I am teaching that I totally didn't plan to say.  It's almost like an out of body experience!
      Who we are... sons and daughters of God, joint heirs with Christ, the beloved-  these are the real things that matter.  How do we get so hung up on what we want to do with our lives?  All this striving just drowns out the "who" we are told to be.   peacemakers.  kind friends and good neighbors.  loving parents.  seekers of God.  imitators of God.  just. honest. forgiving.  fruit-bearers.  characterized by love (I Corinthians 13 kind of love)  I could be spending time developing the spiritual gifts God gave me rather than mourning the loss of my supposed identity.
          But no, I'm so eaten up with envy of anyone who got the "heck out of Dodge" (the U.S.) and followed their heart..  whether missionaries, aid workers, development workers, peace corp volunteers.. anything.   Rich Mullins would say that following your heart only leads us right back into our chests.  He had a point.  But I can't yet help regretting that I'm stuck here.  I still need to stop being stuck although I am more loosely stuck than before my little journey through Elijah's journey across the Sinai.
               Right now- I'm not sure it matters to me, the who or the what.  What matters most (I think) is the WHOSE.  I am God's. So who or what I am is solely dependent on His purposes and His plans.  Maybe I need to be more aware of His presence in me for the present. for the now. to be listening to His voice- the Good Shepherd who has lead me beside still waters and will lead me through the valleys and heights.  Maybe all the hype on our futures (and our pasts) distracts us from Him.  with us.. now.
         See if you catch me asking my boys what they want to be when they grow up.  I have a whole new perspective on Whose they are now.  I won't have waiting for the "what" when they could be working on the "Whose" and the "who".
     

New Believer!

    Aidan has been a matter of some prayer for quite some time.   He thinks he's a christian just because he believes the right stuff... well... sort of.  Aidan really does think he's perfect.. kinda like Mary Poppins or something... weird.  Most people can admit their fallen-ness.  It's hard for me who has trouble valuing myself to watch my son act so dang cocky!   However tonight as we were going through some Ken Ham stuff.. we talked about sin again.  We talked a bit about the end times.  The Ken Ham for kids stuff has taken us through the fall of man and things like that.  We've explained it all before.  Until tonight I have thought he had the head knowledge- he just wouldn't look his need for forgiveness in the face- you know, because he's perfect, right?!
   And after all- he's only 6.   But I think we are responsible for our knowledge of God- and I've been thinking his understanding was there... just not his heart.  He hasn't been ready to give God control is exactly what it amounts to.
    But tonight was different.  Tonight he would admit it.  Tonight he prayed really to God, not rote stuff- but really to God, uncoached, and agreed with God that he was a sinner and that he believed Jesus died for that sin, (and rose defeating sin- but we didn't quite get all that in the prayer!) and that he was ready to let God have his heart so that he could make good decisions that God would like.
    For a 6 year old (and really anybody), that is the start of a lifelong AND eternity long journey with God.  Of course, actions do speak louder than words- but God judges the heart and salvation- justification- expiation are not dependent on us (or our behavior), but on God who is faithful and keeps His promises.
           If we believe and confess- we are saved.  (believe and confess being strong words!)
           If we call, He will answer-
  My homework is going to be looking up all the promises surrounding salvation- more for my benefit than Aidan's at the moment- he's already back to his "stuff" and on to the next thing.  But I expect things will be a little different for Aidan now- as he learns and grows and the  "eyes of (his) heart" open more and more to the wonders of God's never failing love.

Romans 6

   I've been hanging out a bit in Romans.  I'm in no hurry and I don't get to it near often enough, but what a book!  It's like peeling layers off an onion- deeper and deeper until you're crying, each layer more pungent than the one before.  However a little time, some heat applied and it caramelizes- sweetens and brings out the flavor in the rest of the meal.
    Particularly Chapter 6, about law, sin and death; grace, freedom and life.
  "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."  (feel those onions affecting your eyes yet?)
    My biggest thing at present is how do I become a "slave to righteousness"???  How does every choice become.... not a choice because I have enslaved myself to God and His choices?    And if I am not, in deed (literally) a slave to righteousness, am I not a slave to the law of sin and death?  back to death again?!
          And yet the chapter ends with...   "but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
 Chapter 3 reiterates God's faithfulness despite our lack thereof.  Chapter 4 talks of Abraham... a very far from perfect person, and his faith through which justification comes.   "Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."  What would the Jehovah's Witness ladies who visit me say to that?  They think I'm nuts for my stance on behavior independent grace.  They seem to confuse the Lord's punishments/discipline with His promise keeping.  How sad it is to believe without confidence.  What would they say to Romans 4 (much less chapter 8) in one of our more accepted translations? 
        Even though I struggle with knowing I am not a slave to righteousness so much of the time and thereby I fall back into the law of sin and death- that's where His grace comes in and there is where my faith will hang out.  That is where I will put my confidence which adds so much to savor in life.   As the layers of the onion unfold, I find new layers of gratitude for the gift God offers- and that enhances all that life here and hereafter is and will be.

So you might have figured..

    So for those of you who don't know- I'm a huge Rich Mullins fan.  not was. am.  He may be dead (died the same month as Mother Theresa and Princess Di- I think that's significant), but it's hard for me to think of any Christian who is in heaven as dead... really.  What's "dead" about heaven?  Are we not going to be with them some day?  Plus, this guy wrote about heaven as if he was on a first name basis with it. (and I know I've listened to his music enough to be influenced fairly heavily by it!)  "When I leave, I want to go out like Elijah.."  who else could have written that?
     So lately I've been listening to a little Rich when I steal the Camry and run errands at night.  After long days of this child care business, I'm soul hungry and so this is what I hear...
                                              "...and everything You sent to shake me
                                                  from my dreams they come to wake me
                                                  in the love I find in You
                                                  ......and I can see the things that really matter
                                                  become the wings You send to gather me
                                                  to my home........I'm going HOME."
  His music is big on Home.  Heavenly home- earthly home is in God and God in us.. it's a core place of peace for Rich (now more than ever).   HOME IS WHERE GOD IS.  and that is so as it should be.
     I think that's always been something I crave- roots, home, place.  My parents moved a whole 2 miles when I was 18. It would be my first move shortly after graduation.   I wigged out.  Completely flipped my lid and gave them heaps of grief over the thing.  There'd be no home to come to from college.  Place has always been important to me.  I will call Tennessee home till I die even if I live in Michigan for 60 years.  I also crave roots likely because I went so long not knowing mine and then even when I did meet my birth mom- I find out she's from up north too!  So much for a Southern heritage of any kind.
     So for me- it is crucial to see God as HOME.  as my identity.  as not only my roots but my present and future... how secure is that?!  A place of peace that we carry with us and will be our eternal destination on this journey which is basically to realize Home.
      So how do I live like I'm home?  quit waiting for the next thing?  be content and not afraid of the monotany and struggle of the next few years (like 18 or so?)  how  do I realize verses like the one someone sent me (very well timed!!)  " And let us not be weary in well doing for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Galatians 6:9)  How do I give that sense of HOME security to my boys, live it for my husband?
     Ask me in a few years... maybe I'll be closer to knowing.