It's not enough that one of my most common parenting phrases is "Are you the parent?" but I have to learn this concept for myself. Lately, I've been reminded of some parenting techniques God tends to use. Maybe now that I employ parenting techniques, it's easier to spot them in Him? (or maybe I just attribute everything to what is so consuming of my own mental resources!) I'm (yes, still) working on Priscilla Shirer's study on Jonah and it is dealing with when God doesn't exactly lie to us... He just doesn't always give us the whole story ahead of time. (there's much more too it, but I'm drawing a blank and don't have the book with me) Sometimes in my arrogance I wish for a little more info. I have often felt a bit betrayed by God when these things happen- when a little more information or a more direct sense of His leading could have steered me down a more effective or productive path, a path that may even have honored Him more... in MY view.
I am learning, however, that I don't give my boys the whole story.. sometimes out of laziness or selfish reasons, but sometimes because I need them to learn to trust me.. to know that I have their best interests in mind if they would stick with the program. Sometimes, I want them to wait for me to offer something they really want instead of begging redundantly for it. And ALL of the time, I don't want them trying to manipulate me to do their will. A lot of the time, I want the good thing to be a surprise! (which begging just spoils) And yet I am frustrated that my Father wants to give me good things in His time, in His way which... is never my way or my time line. I must learn to "wait for it" (Psyc quote, anyone?) with eagerness, not drudgery. I'm realizing (as my 5 year old teaches me daily) that I too live in drudgery instead of eager expectation for the good and perfect gifts my Father has in store, as well as trials and heartaches that He has purpose for as well... there's a Mary Beth Chapman quote I'd love to put here... will get it when I get home... but its about loving God being pure when we can worship Him equally through the good and bad that He brings. We know without a doubt we can trust Him.. it just gets a little stickier living like it in the day to day.
So as I was sitting in ER yesterday morning with a migraine on steroids that got away from me, (stinkin anti-nausea drug has quit working well enough anymore- I used to call that drug blessed) and I realize that I'd been feeling in better control of my migraine disease, err.. that it was better managed... here I am again in ER which has been an expensive and frustrating experience in the past (migraines don't go away for me there), I am reminded that God is allowing this (amongst other things) in my life for a purpose. I am reminded that I am proud that we've finally gotten things better under control. Well... not so much. God is in control, not me. Can I say that 300 times a day until it sinks in? Can they stick that, just that into a worship song that's so redundant I have to notice and take it in?
And, can I let go of my disappointment in my weakness to see His strength and trust that there is a purpose? Can I wait for Him to suprise me with something I never imagined but am eagerly waiting for Him to reveal. He is a God of good and perfect gifts. I can trust Him. I just need to "wait for it" eagerly.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
once again
Tonight, after a few various and sundry things, I realize it's time to recap our little Costa Rican missions trip before the memories get fuzzy. So many things in life are fuzzy. I'm weary of fuzzy. However, it's almost tomorrow.. again. Metaphorically, literally, metaphysically..but I must be more concise!
Here are some little tidbits summed up from my journal that strike me tonight....
-the hearts of the Christians we worked with for their coworkers' marriages and eternal destinies; marriage being a perfect door to seeing the need of heart change
- how much running around missionary work involves! these are some busy people!
-how God speaks through those who submit to Him completely, not trusting in themselves or their abilities, but trusting in God and His ability to work through them (being a bit on the shy side, I completely struggle here)
-how much people serving God rely on cell phones!!!
-Manuel Antonio! um. "need" to vacation there at some point. WOW.
-missions work is so very very relational. this is challenging for an introvert like me. What I would give to have something to say out loud even once in a while...!
-How helpless I aways feel next to the local Christians who are doing the work with God and really got it covered without me
-It's amazing how a college graduate can forget what a sword is. Never mind the fact that over 100 kids were playing with an equal number of balloon swords all around me at the time. it's so good that translators don't just translate. where was my armor?
-um. amazing skill at grilling and making yummy food and fixing... and yes, men are the grill masters in CR too. and women do the rest.
-um. the Pacific is really nice.(maybe not with a nearby lightening storm next time...)
-God bless modern medicine
-little me and the gang bummin around the rain-forest barefoot and con camera
-black Iguana, green iguana. totally missed the cappuccin monkey and the very fast "flashes" that looked like small wild cats..!! aaagghhh!
-amazingly adorable and sweet kids of the families we served with.
-sweet baby Christian being used while the King changes someone's eternal destiny!
-the subway at Jaco times 2.
-amazing hospitality and another defeat of the gringos... in soccer.
-fire ants!!!!
-coffee.
- such a greatful, loving, friendly (deep friendship) culture. I have so much to learn.
-green coconut juice. really. I need to move to the tropics. (really all the juices are superb! blackberry. ..prickly pear..all the tropical stuff... you name it)
-great hotel rooms. this country knows what tourists like.
-the great honor of serving other Christians.
-having much or having little. same Joy. or do those with little have greater joy?
-moving a missionary family... not quite what it would look like in the states...
-THE national soccer stadium.
-why am I so hesitant to ask for help? and never want to accept it when offered? really. it's ridiculous.
-speaking truth- good truth into our lives.
-Walmart and monopoly
+Ministry is all the time, everywhere.
+Always be ready and looking for the opportunities God will give if we but see them.
+Time to step up my game another notch or three
+the unity and purpose of the children's workers at the local church
+the comradery of the local team
+the beauty of the wives' inner strength
+the wonderfulness of their children
+Let people help you
+Don't worry about what you can't do, do what you can do and trust God all the time whether in or outside of "your" skill set or gift.
-Roman Catholic bascillica
That's it so far. Once again I'm facing the challenge of what to do with the experiences my Creator gives me. Once again, I'm hoping to see and follow.. not stagnate.
Here are some little tidbits summed up from my journal that strike me tonight....
-the hearts of the Christians we worked with for their coworkers' marriages and eternal destinies; marriage being a perfect door to seeing the need of heart change
- how much running around missionary work involves! these are some busy people!
-how God speaks through those who submit to Him completely, not trusting in themselves or their abilities, but trusting in God and His ability to work through them (being a bit on the shy side, I completely struggle here)
-how much people serving God rely on cell phones!!!
-Manuel Antonio! um. "need" to vacation there at some point. WOW.
-missions work is so very very relational. this is challenging for an introvert like me. What I would give to have something to say out loud even once in a while...!
-How helpless I aways feel next to the local Christians who are doing the work with God and really got it covered without me
-It's amazing how a college graduate can forget what a sword is. Never mind the fact that over 100 kids were playing with an equal number of balloon swords all around me at the time. it's so good that translators don't just translate. where was my armor?
-um. amazing skill at grilling and making yummy food and fixing... and yes, men are the grill masters in CR too. and women do the rest.
-um. the Pacific is really nice.(maybe not with a nearby lightening storm next time...)
-God bless modern medicine
-little me and the gang bummin around the rain-forest barefoot and con camera
-black Iguana, green iguana. totally missed the cappuccin monkey and the very fast "flashes" that looked like small wild cats..!! aaagghhh!
-amazingly adorable and sweet kids of the families we served with.
-sweet baby Christian being used while the King changes someone's eternal destiny!
-the subway at Jaco times 2.
-amazing hospitality and another defeat of the gringos... in soccer.
-fire ants!!!!
-coffee.
- such a greatful, loving, friendly (deep friendship) culture. I have so much to learn.
-green coconut juice. really. I need to move to the tropics. (really all the juices are superb! blackberry. ..prickly pear..all the tropical stuff... you name it)
-great hotel rooms. this country knows what tourists like.
-the great honor of serving other Christians.
-having much or having little. same Joy. or do those with little have greater joy?
-moving a missionary family... not quite what it would look like in the states...
-THE national soccer stadium.
-why am I so hesitant to ask for help? and never want to accept it when offered? really. it's ridiculous.
-speaking truth- good truth into our lives.
-Walmart and monopoly
+Ministry is all the time, everywhere.
+Always be ready and looking for the opportunities God will give if we but see them.
+Time to step up my game another notch or three
+the unity and purpose of the children's workers at the local church
+the comradery of the local team
+the beauty of the wives' inner strength
+the wonderfulness of their children
+Let people help you
+Don't worry about what you can't do, do what you can do and trust God all the time whether in or outside of "your" skill set or gift.
-Roman Catholic bascillica
That's it so far. Once again I'm facing the challenge of what to do with the experiences my Creator gives me. Once again, I'm hoping to see and follow.. not stagnate.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Walk back from Horeb... or wherever.
"Bring your worthless offerings no longer, incense is an abomination to Me. New moon and sabbath, the calling of assemblies- I cannot endure iniquity and the solemn assembly. I hate your new moon festivals and your appointed feasts, they have become a burden to Me; I am weary of bearing them. So when you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; Yes, even though you multiply your prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are covered with blood.
Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from My sight. Cease to do evil. Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD."
(followed by repentance, forgiveness, obedience) ("..for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.")
(Isaiah 1:13-18ish)
So often we stand in church and sing songs of confession, of redemption; songs of strong emotions which may not really be our own. We celebrate holidays, put on big productions and do a whole lot of work in the name of God.
BUT..... WHAT IF....
What if God doesn't care a hoot? It sounds like He doesn't. We sort of have a vague, misplaced feeling when we stop to actually think. Deep down, we know we are missing the point.. yet we keep doing what we've always done. We burn out, grow cynical and wonder where God is in all of our religious activity. Why can't we feel His Presence even though we are doing all the "right" things?
But relationships can't be bought- especially with our wild and untamed God. He is not to be controlled by our lists of "relationship builders" or service pledges.
Isaiah 55 reminds us to "seek the LORD while He may be found;" it also reminds us that His ways are not our ways. Maybe it's time to start seeking Him His way.. It was not in the wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire but in the gentle whisper- that God asked, "What are you doing here?" (1 Kings 19)
Well. What are we doing here? Sitting in church, singing praise songs to convince ourselves that the worship music reflects our own heart, running events, running our families everywhere, running, running... being zealous for God as Elijah was.... running from that gentle whisper.
"whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying,
"This is the way; walk in it."
(Isaiah 30:21)
Do you not yearn to hear this?! to no longer be plagued by self doubt?! to know have the confidence that you hear your Master and are doing His will.. doing the right thing... pleasing Him? and yet, even in the same passage in Isaiah 1, we are given some of God's will- some of His values. "wash..remove the evil...cease to do evil...do right.. seek justice... encourage..defend..plead" Maybe these "activities" are more His idea of Christianity... but it's still all about relationship and no activity will buy it or earn it. Nor can we learn it. We must listen and apply.
So turn everything off so you can hear. Run for your spiritual life to seek our God epically. Elijah ran (more for his physical life!) and ended up at the broom tree, then ran for 40 days and nights to Horeb.. and on that Mountain of God, he heard God- not as he suspected he would, but as God chose to reveal Himself.
Was the run worth it?
Yes.
Now, for the walk back.
Like Elijah, I've run from enemies "without and within" and now I'm walking back from the Mountain. I don't know where I am going.. but I will sure be listening for the Voice behind me. I want to know the Way and the path. and this time... it won't be something I think me and God came up with together.. some little cosmic compromise... it'll be all Him.
Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from My sight. Cease to do evil. Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. 'Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD."
(followed by repentance, forgiveness, obedience) ("..for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.")
(Isaiah 1:13-18ish)
So often we stand in church and sing songs of confession, of redemption; songs of strong emotions which may not really be our own. We celebrate holidays, put on big productions and do a whole lot of work in the name of God.
BUT..... WHAT IF....
What if God doesn't care a hoot? It sounds like He doesn't. We sort of have a vague, misplaced feeling when we stop to actually think. Deep down, we know we are missing the point.. yet we keep doing what we've always done. We burn out, grow cynical and wonder where God is in all of our religious activity. Why can't we feel His Presence even though we are doing all the "right" things?
But relationships can't be bought- especially with our wild and untamed God. He is not to be controlled by our lists of "relationship builders" or service pledges.
"'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver; 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?
Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe.
But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'"
(The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis)
He is sought, sought out in a huge, epic of all human lifetimes... and in the end, He finds us and we acknowledge our absolute failure. We loose, He wins, and we are the gainer.
1 Chronicles 28:9 2 Chronicles 7:14 Isaiah 55:6 Matthew 6:33Isaiah 55 reminds us to "seek the LORD while He may be found;" it also reminds us that His ways are not our ways. Maybe it's time to start seeking Him His way.. It was not in the wind, not in the earthquake, not in the fire but in the gentle whisper- that God asked, "What are you doing here?" (1 Kings 19)
"whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying,
"This is the way; walk in it."
(Isaiah 30:21)
Do you not yearn to hear this?! to no longer be plagued by self doubt?! to know have the confidence that you hear your Master and are doing His will.. doing the right thing... pleasing Him? and yet, even in the same passage in Isaiah 1, we are given some of God's will- some of His values. "wash..remove the evil...cease to do evil...do right.. seek justice... encourage..defend..plead" Maybe these "activities" are more His idea of Christianity... but it's still all about relationship and no activity will buy it or earn it. Nor can we learn it. We must listen and apply.
So turn everything off so you can hear. Run for your spiritual life to seek our God epically. Elijah ran (more for his physical life!) and ended up at the broom tree, then ran for 40 days and nights to Horeb.. and on that Mountain of God, he heard God- not as he suspected he would, but as God chose to reveal Himself.
Was the run worth it?
Yes.
Now, for the walk back.
Like Elijah, I've run from enemies "without and within" and now I'm walking back from the Mountain. I don't know where I am going.. but I will sure be listening for the Voice behind me. I want to know the Way and the path. and this time... it won't be something I think me and God came up with together.. some little cosmic compromise... it'll be all Him.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
What's Next?
For those of you who know me... I sort of get side tracked into things, research and think about them non- stop for a few weeks and then... I get back to my normal life. Well- here I am again researching graduate programs once again stimulated by.. another job search. Last year during my big job search time, I just couldn't fathom going back to school this close to the adoption. Now, I can fathom it, 2 of 3 boys in school full time next year and Millennium half day. What I can't fathom the most-- is laying out that kind of money when I have always had very low income jobs. Who's to say it would be worth it fiscally even though I had always planned to have some form of graduate degree? One doesn't spend that kind of money just to be able to look one's self in the face... does one? (and why do I want a master's degree just for self-esteem?.. get over it already, Kim!)
(If you are bored already- stop reading cause it's only gonna get worse!!)
So after debating- and it getting kinda late to go back to the greenhouses, I've stumbled on a couple other jobs with the local "eat local" food movement, a csa (garden you buy shares of), and the biological station. OF COURSE, I'd imagined my summer being spent riding bikes with the boys to area playgrounds and berry picking to my heart's content like last summer... maybe working evenings or something part time. OF COUSE, more education would put me into even bigger "jobs" like coordinating volunteer efforts on the local land conservancy sites, for instance. But these jobs require responsibility.
And I have always run from more responsibility (I want a job I can leave when I'm off the clock unlike Mom's teaching roles;) and none of these things are what I thought God wanted for my life- none of them deal with poverty, development, etc. But their all things I love. Growing food, local produce, resource management, field work at Kellogg Biological Station, hello?! (there goes my summer and childcare for 3 kids)
and since Chalrie's not headed to a third world country anytime soon.... Should I really even look at WMU's Master of Development (specifically geared toward leaders in developing countries and totally something I'm passionate about) or should I go for and MBA in Environment and Sustainability so I can be a "green" consultant for companies... and possibly have more options in employment? OR should I pursue my "fall back" plan and get a nursing degree of some sort that will bring in reasonable income for sending kids to college and giving to all those NGO's I love and envy?
Either way- I'm dumping 20K or 30k (less for an LPN at Valley) that could go in an educational IRA and be more than I could make anyway?!? Not to mention we're broke and won't do debt.
So I'll keep listening for God's voice- which usually puts me doing the same thing I'm doing now. barely making life work, not living my dreams, and being a resentful at my ineptitude for decision making or actually hearing God's voice. Most of the time I feel like He just says, "do what you think is best- I gave you a brain..." (minus the sarcasm.. or maybe not)
(If you are still reading, I'm impressed with the boredom and whining you can endure)
Anyway- It's such a waiting game... waiting to hear from God.. waiting till the boys are in school... waiting till you have the funding... waiting. Life is so short. It's kinda like the adoption phrase..."hurry up and wait". But then does anything ever get done? I'm so tired of having nothing to show... but then if I even read past blogs.... Who matters more than the What. Now why is that still not sticking? Who I am matters more than what.
I am a crazy mom who might be more sane with a part time job. (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) I am going to need a more lucrative job as these boys get bigger (is it possible that they can eat more than they do now?) and as college approaches. I might actually want to use my biology background and do something I enjoy (not that I haven't enjoyed my other jobs.. I have)
So-push on for the csa job, or the garden educator job, or even the bio station job? and go for the Red Robin job if the others don't pan out... and ride bikes to playgrounds all summer if none of them pan out... THERE, THAT WAS EASY.
Save for a fun degree. Opt for a smart degree when the fun one doesn't pan out.? get the MBA and see if they can teach me how to make decisions...?
(If you are bored already- stop reading cause it's only gonna get worse!!)
So after debating- and it getting kinda late to go back to the greenhouses, I've stumbled on a couple other jobs with the local "eat local" food movement, a csa (garden you buy shares of), and the biological station. OF COURSE, I'd imagined my summer being spent riding bikes with the boys to area playgrounds and berry picking to my heart's content like last summer... maybe working evenings or something part time. OF COUSE, more education would put me into even bigger "jobs" like coordinating volunteer efforts on the local land conservancy sites, for instance. But these jobs require responsibility.
And I have always run from more responsibility (I want a job I can leave when I'm off the clock unlike Mom's teaching roles;) and none of these things are what I thought God wanted for my life- none of them deal with poverty, development, etc. But their all things I love. Growing food, local produce, resource management, field work at Kellogg Biological Station, hello?! (there goes my summer and childcare for 3 kids)
and since Chalrie's not headed to a third world country anytime soon.... Should I really even look at WMU's Master of Development (specifically geared toward leaders in developing countries and totally something I'm passionate about) or should I go for and MBA in Environment and Sustainability so I can be a "green" consultant for companies... and possibly have more options in employment? OR should I pursue my "fall back" plan and get a nursing degree of some sort that will bring in reasonable income for sending kids to college and giving to all those NGO's I love and envy?
Either way- I'm dumping 20K or 30k (less for an LPN at Valley) that could go in an educational IRA and be more than I could make anyway?!? Not to mention we're broke and won't do debt.
So I'll keep listening for God's voice- which usually puts me doing the same thing I'm doing now. barely making life work, not living my dreams, and being a resentful at my ineptitude for decision making or actually hearing God's voice. Most of the time I feel like He just says, "do what you think is best- I gave you a brain..." (minus the sarcasm.. or maybe not)
(If you are still reading, I'm impressed with the boredom and whining you can endure)
Anyway- It's such a waiting game... waiting to hear from God.. waiting till the boys are in school... waiting till you have the funding... waiting. Life is so short. It's kinda like the adoption phrase..."hurry up and wait". But then does anything ever get done? I'm so tired of having nothing to show... but then if I even read past blogs.... Who matters more than the What. Now why is that still not sticking? Who I am matters more than what.
I am a crazy mom who might be more sane with a part time job. (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) I am going to need a more lucrative job as these boys get bigger (is it possible that they can eat more than they do now?) and as college approaches. I might actually want to use my biology background and do something I enjoy (not that I haven't enjoyed my other jobs.. I have)
So-push on for the csa job, or the garden educator job, or even the bio station job? and go for the Red Robin job if the others don't pan out... and ride bikes to playgrounds all summer if none of them pan out... THERE, THAT WAS EASY.
Save for a fun degree. Opt for a smart degree when the fun one doesn't pan out.? get the MBA and see if they can teach me how to make decisions...?
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