Who, what or whose?

You've all heard the Switchfoot song...
            "This is your life..are you who you want to be?
             This is your life...is it everything you dreamed that it would be
                  when the world was younger.. and you had everything to loose."
    Well... ok so I'm not saving the starving in Africa.. I'm not even feeding people in downtown Kalamazoo.  And I've been mad about it.. like it's totally God's fault for not letting me go.  Ok.  So there is a little more to the story.  But of course I'm not WHO I want to be.  At least I'm not WHAT I want to be.  The world really was younger.. back in college and before.   back before I couldn't get grades that would even let me qualify for Grad school.  back before I needed to start submitting to a husband who was.. and I think still is confident that we are now where God wants us.
   I've never been content with myself on any of this obviously.    I spent summer of 09 hanging out in the stories of Elijah and his little "run away from God" stunt in fear of Jezebel even after all he saw on Mt. Carmel.  And he comes walking all the way back.. well I'm on my way back.  not sure why.  There was no small voice exactly- but sort of and here I am. (Next I hung out in Job.  wow I learned a ton)  But I digress.
     I am absolutely sure that I am not any of the "what's" I wanted to be.  But am I who I wanted .. and want to be?  I don't need a Switchfoot song to remind me that I'm not.  I'm just not.
     Just this week in Sunday School, I heard myself teaching that the "who" we are is more important than the "what".  We were/are studying our identity in Christ and how our spiritual gifts work together in the body.  Amazing how God reminds me of things while I am teaching that I totally didn't plan to say.  It's almost like an out of body experience!
      Who we are... sons and daughters of God, joint heirs with Christ, the beloved-  these are the real things that matter.  How do we get so hung up on what we want to do with our lives?  All this striving just drowns out the "who" we are told to be.   peacemakers.  kind friends and good neighbors.  loving parents.  seekers of God.  imitators of God.  just. honest. forgiving.  fruit-bearers.  characterized by love (I Corinthians 13 kind of love)  I could be spending time developing the spiritual gifts God gave me rather than mourning the loss of my supposed identity.
          But no, I'm so eaten up with envy of anyone who got the "heck out of Dodge" (the U.S.) and followed their heart..  whether missionaries, aid workers, development workers, peace corp volunteers.. anything.   Rich Mullins would say that following your heart only leads us right back into our chests.  He had a point.  But I can't yet help regretting that I'm stuck here.  I still need to stop being stuck although I am more loosely stuck than before my little journey through Elijah's journey across the Sinai.
               Right now- I'm not sure it matters to me, the who or the what.  What matters most (I think) is the WHOSE.  I am God's. So who or what I am is solely dependent on His purposes and His plans.  Maybe I need to be more aware of His presence in me for the present. for the now. to be listening to His voice- the Good Shepherd who has lead me beside still waters and will lead me through the valleys and heights.  Maybe all the hype on our futures (and our pasts) distracts us from Him.  with us.. now.
         See if you catch me asking my boys what they want to be when they grow up.  I have a whole new perspective on Whose they are now.  I won't have waiting for the "what" when they could be working on the "Whose" and the "who".