For those of you who know me... I sort of get side tracked into things, research and think about them non- stop for a few weeks and then... I get back to my normal life. Well- here I am again researching graduate programs once again stimulated by.. another job search. Last year during my big job search time, I just couldn't fathom going back to school this close to the adoption. Now, I can fathom it, 2 of 3 boys in school full time next year and Millennium half day. What I can't fathom the most-- is laying out that kind of money when I have always had very low income jobs. Who's to say it would be worth it fiscally even though I had always planned to have some form of graduate degree? One doesn't spend that kind of money just to be able to look one's self in the face... does one? (and why do I want a master's degree just for self-esteem?.. get over it already, Kim!)
(If you are bored already- stop reading cause it's only gonna get worse!!)
So after debating- and it getting kinda late to go back to the greenhouses, I've stumbled on a couple other jobs with the local "eat local" food movement, a csa (garden you buy shares of), and the biological station. OF COURSE, I'd imagined my summer being spent riding bikes with the boys to area playgrounds and berry picking to my heart's content like last summer... maybe working evenings or something part time. OF COUSE, more education would put me into even bigger "jobs" like coordinating volunteer efforts on the local land conservancy sites, for instance. But these jobs require responsibility.
And I have always run from more responsibility (I want a job I can leave when I'm off the clock unlike Mom's teaching roles;) and none of these things are what I thought God wanted for my life- none of them deal with poverty, development, etc. But their all things I love. Growing food, local produce, resource management, field work at Kellogg Biological Station, hello?! (there goes my summer and childcare for 3 kids)
and since Chalrie's not headed to a third world country anytime soon.... Should I really even look at WMU's Master of Development (specifically geared toward leaders in developing countries and totally something I'm passionate about) or should I go for and MBA in Environment and Sustainability so I can be a "green" consultant for companies... and possibly have more options in employment? OR should I pursue my "fall back" plan and get a nursing degree of some sort that will bring in reasonable income for sending kids to college and giving to all those NGO's I love and envy?
Either way- I'm dumping 20K or 30k (less for an LPN at Valley) that could go in an educational IRA and be more than I could make anyway?!? Not to mention we're broke and won't do debt.
So I'll keep listening for God's voice- which usually puts me doing the same thing I'm doing now. barely making life work, not living my dreams, and being a resentful at my ineptitude for decision making or actually hearing God's voice. Most of the time I feel like He just says, "do what you think is best- I gave you a brain..." (minus the sarcasm.. or maybe not)
(If you are still reading, I'm impressed with the boredom and whining you can endure)
Anyway- It's such a waiting game... waiting to hear from God.. waiting till the boys are in school... waiting till you have the funding... waiting. Life is so short. It's kinda like the adoption phrase..."hurry up and wait". But then does anything ever get done? I'm so tired of having nothing to show... but then if I even read past blogs.... Who matters more than the What. Now why is that still not sticking? Who I am matters more than what.
I am a crazy mom who might be more sane with a part time job. (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) I am going to need a more lucrative job as these boys get bigger (is it possible that they can eat more than they do now?) and as college approaches. I might actually want to use my biology background and do something I enjoy (not that I haven't enjoyed my other jobs.. I have)
So-push on for the csa job, or the garden educator job, or even the bio station job? and go for the Red Robin job if the others don't pan out... and ride bikes to playgrounds all summer if none of them pan out... THERE, THAT WAS EASY.
Save for a fun degree. Opt for a smart degree when the fun one doesn't pan out.? get the MBA and see if they can teach me how to make decisions...?
